Sunday, July 22, 2012

From a Tired Mommy

This is a poem I found that was just what I needed to read right now:

This sentiment is something that I am really struggling with right now in my life. I feel like this time with my kids is slipping by so fast, and I am so tired that I find myself just "existing" and trying to stay alive long enough to make it to bed time. And bed time isn't even that much of a reprieve because I have not slept all night in two years. There was one month when Abigail was 10 months old where she slept all night, but then I got pregnant, and even though she was sleeping, I began having lots of insomnia and night waking very early in my pregnancy that lasted til the very end. And then obviously I have a baby who wakes up several times a night now. I. am. tired. I feel like even saying it with periods after each word is still an understatement. Like, understatement of the century.

Not only am I tired, but for 6 months I have been co-sleeping with T Patrick and if you have ever breastfed in the "side-lying" position, you know how your neck feels when you wake up after falling asleep that way. If you have never fallen asleep breastfeeding like that, just imagine sleeping on your side with your bottom arm all the way up under your head ALL NIGHT. So my neck and my trap muscles hurt always. And I am always having stingers in my neck. So much painful nerve things going on, and soreness, and it is just interfering with my ability to participate in life.

On one hand, I have a husband who gets frustrated with piles of laundry and things around our house. See our house tour to see just why he is always frustrated with me. On the other hand, I have a beautiful two year old who, when I open the door to let her occupy herself in the backyard while I get things done around the house, or just rest, comes to me and says "hand? hand? hand? hand? hand?" because she wants to walk around our back yard holding my hand. It breaks my heart that most of the time, resting or cleaning takes priority over playing with my little girl, who will only be two years old for 340 more days. And don't get me started on my sweet little boy. I could just bite his little cheeks all day long. He is the cutest thing ever. So squishy! And growing so fast. I love my babies. But I'm not enjoying them as much as I want to. 

If anyone reading this didn't already know, I live in Washington state. My parents are in Oklahoma and Patrick's parents are still in Louisiana, where we are both originally from. I don't have a lot of time to make friends up here, and the good ones I have made have all moved away in the last year. One of my closest friends from up here hasn't left yet, but lives about 45 minutes away from me. I don't know any of my neighbors, because I don't have the energy to try to meet them and maintain a friendship with them. So this means that I have NO help. I am with two small children day in, day out, without a break once in a while to take a nap, paint a cabinet door, or get a pedicure. Or just have a couple hours with no responsibility. No constantly being on guard for a toddler about to get into something she shouldn't be, or a puppy thinking about peeing on the floor, or a baby that may or may not be crying waking up from a nap. It can get exhausting to always be "on duty." And yes, I have my husband here, but he is tired too. He gets up for work at 4:50am and is out the door by 5:15 every week day, and often works weird overnight schedules and weekends. And he does help out and give me breaks every now and then, but it's not the same as having my mom live down the road and being able to come help me out when I'm having a rough day. I am completely on my own. 

I am not trying to complain really, just putting it out there. I know lots of people make it through life every day with two kids 19ish months apart. I just feel like it is SO HARD. I don't know how other people do it and make it look so easy. I'm writing this so when my kids are older, and I am sad that I didn't enjoy them as much as a should have when they were little babies, I can read this and remember how difficult it was and not be too hard on myself. 

Oh, and back to not having time or energy to appreciate my babies...we are currently trying to get Bubba to sleep through the night. I feel so guilty about letting him cry so much. I am of the opinion that sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone just like rolling, crawling, sitting, etc. And I don't think you can make a baby sleep all night if they're not ready any more than you can make a baby crawl before he is ready. Despite that belief, I am going to give "cry it out" the old college try, because I am just at a loss with the sleep deprivation and neck pain. 

To make a long story short, does anyone want to come spend a few hours at my house, a couple days a week, so I can take some breaks, do some chores and have the rest of my time to spend enjoying my beautiful, smart, sweet, adorable babies?? 

1 comment:

  1. sigh....this makes me sad. I wish I could be there. The only consolation I can give you is, let the housework go. Patrick can put a load of clothes in the washer and dryer...that's not hard. (I hope he doesn't read this!) Take a nap when/if they nap and don't worry about all those projects you want to do. One day you'll be like me with a bunch of GROWN kids and nothing but time on your hands. Lots of time for projects. And no one will think less of you for not having gorgeous white kitchen cabinets, or a nifty platform bed. Let It Go. We love you for who you are. And I believe you WILL make it!